Me, Myself, and I.

{WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT A PITY PARTY FOR ME. IT IS NOT TO GAIN ATTENTION. THIS POST IS FOR MYSELF. OPENING UP ABOUT SENSITIVE SUBJECTS. AND HOPING THAT I CAN HELP SOMEONE WHO IS IN THE SAME BOAT AS ME. NO RUDE OR HARSH COMMENTS. ALL WILL BE DELETED IMMEDIATELY AND YOU WILL BE BLOCKED FROM ALL OF MY SOCIAL MEDIA SITES, AND REPORTED.}

I am shaking as I write this and I don't even know if I am really going to post this... But here it goes. 

I have been wanting to write something like this for a while now. But the fear of being judged over takes me every time I try too. 

But I know I need too. 

For me. 

or maybe someone else needs to read these words. 

I am going to be very open and honest about myself and the thoughts and feelings that are flowing through me now. 

It's so scary. 

I am the type of person (or like to think that I am) who doesn't let the past really affect my future.
But the past does make up who I am.
I have always struggled with having a positive self image. Or really being happy with the way I look or feel.
Through out Jr. high and High school I really struggled. It was hard. 
I think its hard for anyone.
There was one thing that really helped me move forward and try to love my self was being involved with dance and acting. That helped to forget all the negative thoughts I was having and to enjoy my life so much more. 

But every now and again those evil thoughts would press through and I would get down on myself again. 
I didn't really have the healthiest of relationships either. 
Something that I never told anyone was that one of my boy friends was  body shaming me. I felt like I had to be perfect for him. and he would tell me. 
I was always told that I needed to lose weight or that I needed to dress/do my make up a certain way because he didn't like the way I was doing it. 
That left a huge scar. 
That scar sometimes gets reopened. 
and the sad thing is, 
I do it myself. 
I feel like I need to look a certain way for the ones that I love. 
But I am reminded daily that those who love me, truly love me,  love me for who I am. 
I am 22 and those evil thoughts still pop up every day. I have to REALLY push through them some days. 
Its hard. 
The devil can be so pushy. 
Because of these awful thoughts that continually plague me over and over again. I will often question if God truly loves me. If I am truly one of His divine daughters.
 I have always known that I am a daughter of God, but to believe that I am divine... 
That is really hard . 
In October 2017 there was a General Conference talk given by Sister Joy D. Jones "Value beyond Measure."  In her talk she quotes President Spencer W. Kimball. 
"“God is your Father. He loves you. He and your Mother in heaven value you beyond any measure. … You are unique. One of a kind, made of the eternal intelligence which gives you claim upon eternal life.

“Let there be no question in your mind about your value as an individual. The whole intent of the gospel plan is to provide an opportunity for each of you to reach your fullest potential, which is eternal progression and the possibility of godhood.”2
(here is a link to that talk I think everyone should read!
https://www.lds.org/study/general-conference/2017/10/value-beyond-measure?lang=eng) 

He and my Heavenly Mother value ME.... ME! Beyond measure.  

This was such a good reminder, He knows me. Like He actually knows me and how hard I can be 

on myself. But he loves me and values me more than I can measure. 

I need to value myself like my Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother value me. 

That is something that I can do. 

Not by myself, but with My Savior. 

He can teach me how to truly value myself. 

So, My journey begins. 

I am on the path to loving myself more and more each day. 

I know that as I work on myself I can learn to love me. 

I have an amazing support system. and I am so excited to see the results through out my journey. 

Now, I know that part of this is becoming physically healthier. 

Something I think we all dread once in awhile ;) 

Working out can be so hard! Being motivated is even worse. I  started a work out plan about a week ago and it can be discouraging at times, because I can't do everything like everyone else. But I keep trying. I push through and I can feel myself getting stronger each day! 

I have now started a work out program that I love! 

 I can already feel the difference. I am truly starting to love myself and feel better. I don't have as many hurtful thoughts, and I am happier. 

I am actually excited to work out, eat healthier and feel better. 

Part of this journey is letting my walls down... 

and this is something I have never done. 

It is so scary to me. 

I am SO embarrassed.. 

But it's something I need to do in order to really improve.. 

So, 

here 

we 

go. 

BEFORE PICTURES. 

January 14th 2019

This program I am doing is 21 days long. So at the end of the 21 days I will post a update!! 

Thanks for all of your love and support.